Hell Hath No Fury
by Remma
Summary: Jack and Teal'c discuss their new teammate - any Jonas fans should turn back now, any fans of the REAL SG-1, enjoy


Hell Hath No Fury  
by Remma  
  
Oh joy, another trip through the Stargate with dear sweet adorable Jonass. Even a vicious kick to a particularly annoying door failed to fully express Jack's delight. Just who in hell was this guy sleeping with to get to be a member of SG-1? He must be able to give a humdinger of a blow job, because that was the only possible explanation. After all, let's face it, the guy was a complete waste of good oxygen...and deeply annoying to boot. And as for Carter, mooning around like a giddy schoolgirl...what was *that* all about? Daniel was well out of this, damn his eyes.  
  
"O'Neill."  
  
"Hey, Teal'c old buddy. All set for some fun offworld."  
  
"Will JonassQuinn be joining us?"  
  
"Yeah, isn't that peachy."  
  
"No. I find him disconcerting. He smiles. Constantly, and for no reason. It concerns me."  
  
"With you there, big guy. That smile is freaky. Daniel never smiled, at least, not often. And when he did, it meant something. And it was cute."  
  
"I concur. DanielJackson's smile was most pleasing."  
  
"And Daniel was never smug, he'd tell you the stuff he knew, and that was that. He was never preachy, or condescending."  
  
"Indeed. To him, knowledge was a joy, not a weapon."  
  
"Exactly, that's exactly it. He could absorb information like a sponge, not like Jonass. If I hear one more time how fast that pusillanimous blob can read, I'll rip out his liver and feed it to Daniel's fish."  
  
"I would be happy to assist you, should you require an ally, or an alibi."  
  
"I'll bear that in mind. So where are the lovebirds, anyway?"  
  
"I believe they are preparing for the mission together."  
  
"What a surprise."  
  
"I disagree. MajorCarter rarely strays far from JonassQuinn of late. I find her behaviour incomprehensible."  
  
"I know. You'd think she'd have better taste."  
  
"On the contrary. Her past romantic choices would lead me to the conclusion that she has no taste whatsoever."  
  
"Narim wasn't so bad."  
  
"Narim was worthy. Also dull."  
  
"Okay, but that senator Joe guy showed promise."  
  
"Unfortunately, he was not with us long enough to form an accurate opinion. In time, he may well have shown himself to be a psychotic axe murderer."  
  
"Teal'c, you are watching *way* too much Jerry Springer. You know, considering the life expectancy of Carter's men, maybe we should encourage her relationship with Jonass."  
  
"I do not feel the sacrifice of her integrity would justify the welcome outcome of JonassQuinn's demise."  
  
"Shame. How can she find that weasel attractive? Do you think he's attractive...objectively speaking, of course."  
  
"I consider him physically average. He is certainly not comparable to DanielJackson."  
  
"Not even close. Daniel was hot, not that I was ever...uh...I mean, some things you just can't help noticing, right."  
  
"One could certainly not fail to notice that DanielJackson was, as you say, *hot*."  
  
"It wasn't only his looks, of course. It was the entire...uhm..."  
  
"Package."  
  
"Right. Jonass's package is hardly worth mentioning, it's so nonexistent."  
  
"It is possible that MajorCarter's interest is hormonal."  
  
"What do you know about women's hormones?"  
  
"Do they not have a body clock, whose ticking urges them to reproduce?"  
  
"Hell, if that's all it is, I'll do the deed myself."  
  
"I too would be more than happy to procreate with MajorCarter."  
  
"No need to put yourself out, big guy. As team leader, it's my duty to see to the needs of my people."  
  
"On the contrary, it would be no hardship."  
  
"So, you gonna make her the offer?"  
  
"Sadly, I am not confident that MajorCarter would fully appreciate the nature of such an offer."  
  
"That's a *no* then."  
  
"Do you intend to approach her?"  
  
"You're kidding, right?"  
  
"That, then, is also a *no*. Very wise."  
  
**************************************************  
  
"Sir, are we late?"  
  
"No, Carter, right on time. Quinn. All set?"  
  
"Yes, Sir. Jonas has come up with a brilliant new way to analyse our samples. He's suggested that we..."  
  
"That's peachy, Carter. I'm sure he'll be happy to explain it all later."  
  
"I'm always happy to be of service. And it wasn't all me, Sammie helped."  
  
Sammie. He called her Sammie and she didn't kill him. This is worse than I thought. Crap.  
  
"Oh, Jonas, that's so sweet of you to say that, but really, it was all down to you."  
  
Eeeuch. For crying out loud, what is *up* with the woman. I think I'm going to throw up. "Okay then, let's head out." And with any luck, the planet will be teeming with Jaffa, all wanting their very own bigheaded, know-it-all dickwad.  
  
**************************************************  
  
"Now that Sammie's busy with the samples, I'd like to take a look around this structure. That's not a problem is it? I thought it best to check with you first, I have heard how much you hated it when Doctor Jackson wandered off and touched things."  
  
"Daniel did * not* wander off."  
  
"DanielJackson would not *touch* things unless he first ascertained their safety."  
  
"Oh? I must have misunderstood. Then if you have no objection, I will go."  
  
"Sure, go, knock yourself out."  
  
"Very funny, Jack. You are so amusing."  
  
He called me Jack. "He called me Jack. Asswipe."  
  
"The man grows worse on closer acquaintance."  
  
"Yeah. God, I miss Daniel."  
  
"As do I. O'Neill, did you not say that this structure was unsafe?"  
  
"Did I? I don't recall."  
  
"I believe that you did. Should not one of us accompany him on his exploration?"  
  
"Probably." Oh, look, my shoe is scuffed, now how did that happen. Nice trees on this planet. Grass is an interesting shade of orange, too. "So, Teal'c, how's it going with the reruns of 'Sunset Beach'?"  
  
"I am concerned for Caitlin. I fear she will be unable to cope with the knowledge that the child she has been illegally raising as her own, is, in fact, her mother's stolen infant."  
  
"That would be a little difficult to accept."  
  
"Indeed. The fact that her husband may be the father is unlikely to ease her pain."  
  
"Sounds like a good show."  
  
"Very gripping. O'Neill, did you hear a splash?"  
  
"A splash?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"When?"  
  
"A moment ago."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"Possibly I misheard. Was that a cry?"  
  
"A cry? What sort of cry?"  
  
"A cry for assistance."  
  
"Oh, that kind of cry."  
  
"It's possible I was mistaken."  
  
"Maybe we should go look."  
  
"We would not wish for JonassQuinn to come to any harm."  
  
"God forbid. You know, I'm really worried about Caitlin. Tell me more about this baby." Woah, what the hell is that? One second not a cloud in the sky, now suddenly mini tornadoes. Hey, wait minute, mini tornadoes? Daniel? "Daniel, that you?"  
  
"Hey, Jack, Teal'c."  
  
"DanielJackson, you are looking well. I am particularly fond of the small eddies on your lower right side."  
  
"Thank-you Teal'c. I like to be aesthetically pleasing."  
  
"Uh, Daniel, much as I like the natural look, any chance you can be you, at least while we're chatting?"  
  
"Sure, Jack, no problem."  
  
In less time than it takes to squash a bug, Daniel's delectable bits coalesced into a heart stoppingly perfect whole.  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"Sweet."  
  
"Most impressive."  
  
"Damn, it's good to see you. Where have you been since you...uh..."  
  
"Ascended."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Oh, you know here and there. Generally floating around. Missed you guys."  
  
"Really? Not too busy learning new tricks to think of your old friends."  
  
"Never. Actually, ascension isn't all it's cracked up to be."  
  
"It's not? I thought you'd be having a ball, all that new stuff going on all the time."  
  
"Well sure, it got a lot going for it, but to be honest, it's kind of...boring."  
  
"I did wonder what you could possibly do with your time, now that your pure energy."  
  
"Mostly, I just sit around with the other energy beings and contemplate the universe. That was okay for a while, but since we aren't allowed to interfere, what's the point? I don't need to eat, or sleep...I'm telling you, Jack, I would *kill* for a cup of coffee and a chocolate walnut cookie. And since I can do almost anything, I have nothing that challenges me."  
  
"Are you not supremely powerful, like OmaDesala?"  
  
"Oh, sure, I have absolute power. Got any cities you want destroyed?"  
  
"None that I recall. How about zapping Jonass for us?"  
  
"I *could* but how would that look if, say, I ever wanted to come back."  
  
"Come back? Really? Is that a possibility?"  
  
"Well, I have been thinking about it lately...a lot. I guess it depends on whether or not I have anything to come back to. Do I, Jack, have something to come back to?"  
  
"You have me, and you'll have SG-1."  
  
"You're presence has been greatly missed, DanielJackson. You have left a hole which can only be filled by your return."  
  
"I was under the impression that Jonas Quinn had taken my place, and my office."  
  
"Has he, hell. He may have tried, but he can never be you...and how do you know all this anyhow?"  
  
"I know everything. It's one of the perks of ascension."  
  
"What *I* want to know is how *I* got stuck with him. The guy has *no* redeeming qualities."  
  
"Oh, that's easy. He's been doing the dirty with Colonel Simmons for months."  
  
"There, see, I *knew* he had to be putting out for *someone*, but Simmons? Eeeuch."  
  
"MajorCarter will be distressed to hear this news."  
  
"Well, I'm sure as hell not telling her. Daniel, you should do it."  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Because you're energy. You have no body for her to damage...which is a shame, really, because you had a damn fine body."  
  
"And if I choose to descend and return to the SGC, I'll have it again."  
  
"Sweet. Actually, way better than sweet. But in the meantime, you could drop a hint to Carter."  
  
"I agree she needs to get over this infatuation for Quinn, but I have a better idea."  
  
"You have?"  
  
"I have. I believe in giving a man enough rope to hang himself. And an egotistical no-brain like Quinn should be easy to set up."  
  
"An excellent plan, DanielJackson."  
  
"And no time like the present to put it into action. They're back." And she's squealing, god, that is not a sound I ever thought to hear come out of Carter's mouth. I mean, granted, she's happy to see Daniel, we all are. Did I squeal? No. Did Teal'c squeal? I think not. Jonass has *got* to go. And does she really need to hang off Daniel like that? Getting a little excessive, here, Carter. "Okay, Carter, we're all happy to see Daniel, no need to keep up the screeching. We don't want Daniel changing his mind about coming home, do we?"  
  
"Daniel, you're coming home? That's so great. Holy Hannah, I can't believe it's really you...you look fabulous, doesn't he look fabulous Sir, Teal'c?"  
  
"Sure, he looks okay, for Daniel."  
  
"Oh, and Daniel, you remember Jonas, don't you? He's been filling in for you, and doing an excellent job, too."  
  
"Yes, of course I remember him. Hello, Quinn. You're all wet. On Earth we usually take our clothes off before a swim, but hey, feel free to do your own thing."  
  
"I did not intend to swim. I accidentally fell into a deep pool, and was unable to get out. I am surprised that you did not hear me calling."  
  
"Oh, you know how it is...alien planets, weird sounds all around."  
  
"Yes, Sir, it was terrible. Jonas could have drowned."  
  
"And yet he lives."  
  
"I was lucky, Teal'c. Fortunately, the people on my planet are able to hold their breath a lot longer than average, and even amongst them, I was something of a champion."  
  
"Of course you were."  
  
"It's a miracle he survived until I got there to pull him out, Sir."  
  
"You saved him, Carter?"  
  
"Yes. I got there just in time."  
  
"How fortunate."  
  
"Isn't it, Teal'c. Sir, I've been thinking, even with Daniel back, there's no reason Jonas can't stay on SG-1. After all, it's not written in stone that every SG team has only four members."  
  
"That's fine with me, Sam. Although, isn't there some rule about married couples being on the same team?"  
  
"Daniel, that's a little premature."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you two were an item...my mistake."  
  
"It's okay, Daniel. It's still a little early for that kind of talk, but there's every possibility..."  
  
"There is no possibility that Sammie and I will ever be united by marriage."  
  
"Excuse me, there isn't? Then what have we been doing the last few months?"  
  
"Surely you didn't think I was interested in a permanent relationship, honneybun? Of course, I like you, and you have been very helpful with my adjustment to life on Earth, but you're hardly the kind of woman I would wish to marry."  
  
"Why the hell not. I'm a catch."  
  
"Well, for one thing, I intend to have a family, and you're way too old now to have children."  
  
"I am not! I have years left. Years and years."  
  
"But the older you get, the more likelihood there is for problems to arise. I assume that's why Colonel O'Neill chose not to become involved with you."  
  
"Hey, leave me out of it."  
  
"He didn't *choose* anything, I chose, me. He wanted me, didn't you, Sir?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, sure, I've always said you were a damn good-looking woman. Haven't I always said that?"  
  
"You have, Jack. I've heard you. And she is...you are, Sam. Really lovely."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"There, see."  
  
"But, you must understand that there would be no point in us producing offspring. I don't need a smart wife. Since I'm intelligent, the mother of my children needs to be beautiful."  
  
"But I am, I am beautiful. Everyone thinks so."  
  
"In your own way, of course you are. But I have another sort of woman in mind. In fact, I've found a catalogue of possible candidates."  
  
"They're doing mail order brides now? I thought that died out with the buffalo."  
  
"Oh, yes, Jack..."  
  
"Colonel, it's Colonel O'Neill to you. You do *not* have permission to address me by my first name."  
  
"Oh, I do hope I haven't offended you. As I was saying, I have come across several pamphlets, which contain a variety of females. I am currently deciding between sexy Susan, and naughty Nina. On the whole, I prefer sexy Susan, since she is a nurse, which could be useful. She also has slightly larger breasts."  
  
"I don't believe it. You prefer those tramps to me? That's it, the final straw."  
  
No, she isn't, she can't be. "Carter, what are you doing?"   
  
A deafening roar disturbed the quiet of the alien world, startling numerous small furry animals, sending them scurrying for their burrows. Jonas Quinn danced like a marionette as multiple bullets tore into his body; finally flinging him backwards, to lie spread-eagled in a rapidly growing pool of blood.  
  
"You shot him, Carter."  
  
"I did. I had to."  
  
"Right. Hey, Teal'c check and see if he's still smiling...uh, breathing."  
  
"He does not appear to be breathing, O'Neill. He is, however, smiling."  
  
"Well, I'm done here. Why don't we go home? I can't wait to see their faces when they see Daniel. Janet will just die."  
  
"Uh, Carter, aren't you forgetting something?"  
  
"I don't think so. What? Daniel, you are going to come home with us aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, sure, why not."  
  
"Really? That's wonderful, Daniel"  
  
"As you say O'Neill. I also am pleased by this outcome. It is most welcome, DanielJackson."  
  
"It is, but we're kind of moving away from the issue here."  
  
"What issue would that be, Sir?"  
  
"Him, the uh...body. What do we do about Quinn?"  
  
"Leave him here. It's not like he was from Earth, so there's no point taking him back there to be buried. This place is as good as any for a final resting place."  
  
"O-kay. Missing the point a little here."  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"I think what Jack's trying to say is that it may be a bit problematic explaining why you've come back with me, and without him."  
  
"Oh. I don't see why that should be a problem, not when I explain to the General exactly what happened."  
  
"Which is that you shot him point blank. Not sure that will go over too well."  
  
"I'm sure he'll understand that I had to do it."  
  
"Carter, I know he was an insensitive jerk, but..."  
  
"Sir, that fuckwit got what was coming to him. It's not my fault he had to learn the hard way never to piss off a woman with PMT and a P90."  
  
***The End*** 


End file.
